It’s easy to become discouraged, especially when the journey you are on is long and hard.
It’s always been my intent to write at least one blog post a week. That hasn’t been happening in recent weeks. I’ve lost track of time, but it may actually be closing in on “months.”
Have I given up? Did I run out of things to say? Nope!
I’VE BEEN ON AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY OF MY OWN
Like so many of you, I have been thrust into a difficult journey with my husband that was not of my choosing.
No, it’s not porn or other women this time. My husband truly has been healed of those struggles. But it has been equally as challenging and scary and chaotic.
Some of you may remember that almost exactly two years ago, my husband woke up one morning “feeling funny.” He was concerned enough that we decided to make a quick trip to the walk-in clinic before he headed off to work. We fully expected that they’d check him out, tell us it was nothing to worry about and send him on his way.
It didn’t quite turn out like that.
Less than an hour later, he was in the emergency room hooked up to all kinds of machines. He was poked, prodded, and examined by a parade of doctors and nurses. In spite of their best efforts, his heart continued to beat so rapidly that they decided to keep him in the hospital overnight for observation.
The next morning we were stunned to hear the words “heart failure” come out of the doctor’s mouth. Bruce was walking and talking and acting normal. How in the world could it be heart FAILURE? It was hard to take in.
AND SO IT BEGAN . . .
That was the start of a year and a half of stress tests, angiograms, new medications, EKGs, Ablations, cardioversions, a stent, and more frantic trips back the emergency room than I care to remember. It was so scary. Would he survive? Would he be disabled by the very real possibility of a full-blown heart attack or stroke? The future was suddenly anything but predictable. It was hard not to become discouraged.
It was a grueling year and a half before his cardiologist was able to assure us that his heart was indeed getting stronger and beating normally. We finally felt like we could take a deep breath and relax.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE
Right on the tail of our good news, we received yet another unexpected hit. Bruce was diagnosed with a whole new problem.
Quite “by accident” they discovered that he has kidney cancer (we know it was God that lead them to that discovery.) We were still exhausted from what had gone on before, and yet, here we were, preparing to begin another medical roller-coaster ride.
On May 31st we traveled south two hours to UW Medical, one of the nation’s leading cancer hospitals, where Bruce had his left kidney removed. The surgery went well and we breathed another sigh of relief.
Once again that relief was short-lived as we faced a number of complications and a barrage of fears and uncertainty.
Next week he will be having prostate surgery—another unexpected “side-trip” and the week after that, if our insurance approves it, we will be going back to Seattle, so he can begin a new follow-up immunology treatment which will hopefully take care of the cancer that is still in his body.
Oh, and did I forget to mention, that in the midst of all that, my father passed away a week and a half ago? That added more even intense emotions and “to-dos” to my already full plate, as my sisters and I immersed ourselves in preparations for his memorial service.
It’s certainly been a rough season for our family.
IT HAS BEEN TOUGH TO GET ANY WRITING DONE
I’ve had a hard time settling my brain down enough to write lately, but, I’m not telling you all this just to make an excuse for my “absence.”
I want to share a few things I’ve been learning. Maybe they’ll be helpful to you in the midst of the daily challenges you are facing.
With hit after hit, it’s been a constant challenge to stay optimistic. So often, over the past few years, Bruce or I (or both) have become discouraged. Even in the midst of God’s constant care and blessings, it’s hard not to slip into a random pitty-party once in a while. There are even days when all those “why” questions begin to haunt us.
MAYBE YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT
I faced very similar struggles when I was still dealing with Bruce’s addiction.
Most of you know what I’m talking about. Things were going well for a while. I finally felt like I could let down my guard and WHAM, he’d have another slip.
All those old feelings and fears would come rushing back. Recycling that pattern time after time after time was exhausting. I’d get so discouraged.
MY “LIGHTBULB” MOMENT
I have recently noticed that the times I feel most discouraged directly correlate with the times I am most disconnected from God and others. They are the times that I am trying to barrel through under my own power.
God never intended for us to go through these hard periods of our lives alone.
He said, “cast your cares on me.” He knew that we, in our human form, were not equipped to carry such a heavy load. It is only in companionship with God and others that we will have the fortitude to keep our heads above the black clouds of life
OUR DISCOURAGEMENT DOES NOT COME FROM GOD
I like what Charles Stanley, a well-known Baptist pastor, has to say about being discouraged:
Disappointment is inevitable. But to become discouraged there’s a choice I make. God would never discourage me. He would always point me to himself to trust him. Therefore my discouragement is from Satan. As you go through the emotions that we have, hostility is not from God, bitterness, unforgiveness, all of these are attacks from Satan.
We must cling to the reality that WE have the ability to say NO to discouragement. It is OUR CHOICE.
God gave us the power, through the blood of Jesus, to come against the enemy. We can say no to his plan to steal our hope and keep us down. We can choose, instead, to intentionally run to God and the safe people in our lives (even when it takes every bit of energy we can muster).
As we wait upon the Lord the Bible says our strength will be renewed. In partnership with our Heavenly Father, we will find the peace that passeth understanding. Talk about the ultimate sigh of relief!
I’m still learning. I don’t get it right 100% of the time. The biggest challenge is remembering that I do, indeed, have a choice. I’m not at all obligated to slip into and stay fixed in that discouraged place. And neither are you.
God has given us hope and a future. Our part is to find the wee bit of courage we need to reach out and, in doing so, grab hold of them.
“For I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. — Jeremiah 29:11
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