The 5 Things I Hope You NEVER Forget

We all have things we will probably never forget: maybe it’s that locker combination from 7th grade; or the phone number your family had when you were growing up; or maybe it was how humiliated you felt when you tripped and everyone in the room laughed at you. Those things are indelibly imprinted in our minds.

But, there are other things that don’t seem to “stick” so well. One of those things for me is what weight of oil goes in my car. Try as I might, I can NEVER seem to remember that silly little number. It shouldn’t be so tough, but for some reason I have a mental block that gets in the way of me keeping it straight. I’m so lucky that the mechanic and my husband are able to keep track of that for me. If it was up to me, I’d be in trouble.

SOMETIMES THERE’S A REASON

Although it’s certainly not the case in that situation, there are other times when it’s hard to remember something because our deepest emotions keep overriding the truth. The intensity of what we FEEL in that moment actually pushes away the truth that we KNOW deep inside.

For instance, we may KNOW, on one level, that God loves us and will provide for us. We’ve heard it taught. We’ve read tons of scriptures to that effect. Most likely, we’ve even seen His provision in our life over and over again.

Even so, when an unexpected bill shows up in our mail box, or we lose our job, we may instantly forget all that and, instead of relaxing in the knowledge that God will take care of us, fear and panic grab hold of us and are not easily shaken off.

Why does this happen? Usually because we don’t fully trust OURSELVES. At some point we had a thought or experience that this type of situation was beyond what we could handle. If, every time our finances seemed a little shaky, we focused on that thought and the intense emotions it created, THAT is the belief that got imprinted in our mind. Every repetition sent it deeper into our being. Even the smallest glimmer of a potential financial struggle will now re-awaken that cavalcade of negative emotions.

SEXUAL BETRAYAL ACTIVATES THE SAME PHENOMENON

When we have had repetitive past experiences that crushed our self-esteem or made us doubt our ability to see clearly, beliefs may have been created and strong emotions may have become attached to those type of situations.

It is always hurtful when your spouse betrays you—especially when it is sexually or relationally.

The pain is even more intense for those of us who have been previously wounded in this area. The new situation re-ignites all the old beliefs and negative feelings. Together it makes it extremely difficult to remember or trust anything but the ugliness we are feeling. When we are blind to the truth, we may become overly critical of ourselves, vulnerable to accepting the blame for things that are not our fault, and unable to take the steps that are essential to help ourselves or our spouse.

Because of this, we need to constantly fill our hearts and minds with truth during the calmer times. If the real truth is repeated often enough it will begin to replace our old beliefs about ourselves and provide a new automatic response that will move us forward in a healthier direction.

THE ESSENTIAL TRUTHS YOU MUST NEVER FORGET

There are FIVE truths about your spouse’s struggle that will help reduce the pain you are carrying, equip you to make positive decisions, and restore your self confidence.

1. Never Forget: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT –
No matter what anyone says, nothing you did, or didn’t do created your husband’s struggle. You did not push him into the arms of another woman of force him to use pornography as a means of sexual release. The seeds of addiction were sown long before you ever met. His choices have helped him avoid issues and feelings that he didn’t know how to address.

2. Never Forget: THIS IS A BIG DEAL

Your spouse’s addiction is no less damaging to him than a cancerous tumor or a bad heart. Addiction will ultimately cost him his life, whether literally or by simply commandeering his every waking moment. It has the potential to destroy his career, his family, his health, and his reputation. Yes, this is a VERY big deal.

3. Never Forget: FACING THE TRUTH IS THE WAY TO FREEDOM

The Bible says that “the truth will set you free.” It is certainly true in recovery from addiction or betrayal. We must courageously look at the issues in our lives, ask the questions that we’ve been afraid to ask, make changes, learn new skills, and realize that we need the help of God and others to see the truth and move toward the life we’ve always wanted.

4. Never Forget: YOU’VE BEEN WOUNDED AND NEED HEALING, TOO!

It sometimes helps to compare your husband’s addiction to being in a serious car accident. He was in the driver’s seat. He made the choices. The crash was, most certainly, his fault. But, you were both in the car, you both got hurt and you will both require emergency care. Some of the wounds you sustained can be directly attributed to the accident: broken trust, self-doubt, shame and any number of other conditions. But the collision may have also reactivated wounds that you thought were healed long ago. This new betrayal may knock off old scabs and bring back vivid recollections of times in your past when others have betrayed or hurt you deeply. Old feelings of inadequacy, vulnerability, hopelessness or shame may be reawakened. You won’t be fully free until they have been resolved.

5. Never Forget: YOU CAN’T DO THIS ALONE

It will require the support and encouragement of others to help you navigate this difficult road. As much as we would all like to secretly take care of our problems all by ourselves, both you and your husband will need a team of truth tellers, cheerleaders, pray warriors and guides to help you gain and maintain clarity and stamina throughout the healing process.

Be sure to memorize these five key truths and repeat them to yourself often so they can fully over-write the half-truths and faulty beliefs that have haunted you in the past when your husband has been less than victorious.

You can download a reminder of these important truths here:

Five Realities of Your Situation

“Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” —John 8:32 (NIV)

TODAY’S CHAT: Which of these five truths is the most difficult for you to remember and believe?