The Way Back from the Nightmare

Have you ever wished that your husband’s problem was just a bad dream? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to wake up to life the way it was before any of this nightmare came to light?

Unfortunately, those kind of instant plot resolutions only happen in TV movies. In real life many resolutions, including this one, come only after a lengthy process. You’re likely familiar with the idea that your husband’s recovery will be a process, but did you know that there is also a process that you need to go through to get your feet back on stable ground?

Dr. Patrick Carnes, a pioneer in the field of sexual addiction recovery, and the author of many books on the subject, has observed that there are 6 very clear steps that wives must go through to fully recover from the devastation caused by their husband’s addiction.

Stages of Recovery for Partners

1. Suspicion – It is very common for a partner to sense that something is “not right”, long before they have any actual proof. Although they may not be able to put their finger on what, exactly, is going on, many women admit that they experienced a nagging anxiety or periodic bouts of non-specific panic for months or even years prior to discovering the truth about their husband’s activities.

2. Crisis – At some point the wife becomes aware of the exact nature of the problem. It may come after a long period of information gathering and putting the pieces together, or by accidentally catching them in the act. In rarer cases, her husband may actually confess his struggle. No matter how it comes to light, it is always devastating and life-changing for her.

3. Shock – This stage can present itself in a number of different ways. There can be a period of disbelief—even denial—on the part of the wife. She may experience a sense of numbness or attempt to convince herself that it’s “no big deal” as a way to avoid something that seems too big and ugly to handle. Other women may experience crushing emotional pain, perpetual crying or even physical illness in the weeks following the disclosure.

4. Grieving – As awful as it feels to let ourselves fully feel the pain of the situation and acknowledge all the things that the addiction has stolen from us and our family, it is a crucial step in turning the corner toward our own personal healing. Trying to avoid the deep and painful emotions of this stage prevents us from being able to move forward.

5. Repair – Once we have worked through the embarrassment and shame, the anger and the sadness, and have a realistic view of what our role should be in our husband’s recovery, we can, once again, acknowledge that, no matter what happens, God still has an exciting plan for our life. We can begin to take our eyes off the addict long enough to re-aquaint ourselves with the idea that we are a valuable person; acknowledge our true needs; strengthen our connections with God and others; and fully re-invest in our own self-care and personal growth.

6. Growth – As we continue to push forward we gain a growing feeling of resiliency,  an even stronger commitment to healing and a new satisfaction with life.

Although this process is likely to take months or even years to complete, we can take comfort in knowing that we are on the right track, as we see our attention to our own needs and growth naturally increase.

“…they will see God’s face and shout for joy; he will restore them to full well-being.”  — Job 33: 26 (NIV)

TODAY’S CHAT: Where do you think you are in this recovery process? Which stage has been the most difficult for you so far? Why?

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