It is a natural human tendency to try to find something to blame for our problems. It is no different with sexual addiction. There’s a belief held by many that their behavior is somehow the fault of their spouse (or lack of a spouse).
Married people convince themselves that if their husband or wife was just thinner, sexier or more available they wouldn’t need pornography or affairs. Single people, on the other hand, universally believe that marriage will be the answer for them. These thoughts are seldom reality.
“Most men believe that getting married will completely alleviate all their need for pornography. They think that they only masturbate to ‘relieve their sexual tension’ and once they are in a long-term relationship that provides the opportunity for sex whenever they want it, they will no longer have this requirement.
This may be true for a VERY small segment of the population, but it is wishful thinking for anyone who struggles with sexual behaviors that have become compulsive. Sexual compulsions are not about sex. At whatever point someone realizes (consciously or sub-consciously) that sexual activity can make their internal pain go away, it ceases to be about sexual release and becomes a tool of survival.
In fact, most sexual activity has little do to with the sex act, itself. In a healthy relationship it is about vulnerably sharing our innermost selves and feeling oneness with our partner. On the other hand, when used inappropriately, sexual arousal and release are used to fill our needy places and anesthetize the pain of our lives.
Our brains are interesting. They have built into them, a survival instinct. When something happens to make us feel afraid or uncomfortable, it immediately seeks out anything that will take those feelings away and make us feel right again. When our brain begins to associate a certain activity or chemical with helping us regain normalcy, the seeds of addiction are sown. For many people, pornography, masturbation, or other sexual activity becomes that normalizer.”
— an excerpt from our book “Now Choose Life!”
Sexual addiction is never someone else’s fault. It always stems from an individual’s choice to use inappropriate sexual behaviors to avoid or distract them from unwanted or painful thoughts.
“But you, man of God, flee from this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your confession in the presence of many witnesses. . . . I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ . . .” — 1 Timothy, 6:11-14 (NIV)
TODAY’S CHAT: What types of things have you previously accepted blame for that God has helped you realize are not your fault?
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