EVERYONE is going to get hurt at some point in their life. You can count on it. The way we choose to deal with the pain it causes will either bring us freedom or create a prison. Unfortunately, what seems to be the “logical” way to deal with it is actually a very bad solution. It will hurt us even deeper AND then inflict pain on everyone around us.
Front Row Seat
Are you involved with a sex addict? If so, you have likely seen this bad solution up close and personal and you’ve felt its sting.You know how damaging it can be.
Statistics tell us that 74% of sex addicts have been physically abused, 81% have been sexually abused and 97% have been emotionally abused. Odds are, if your husband or boyfriend has a struggle with sexual addiction, he has been abused in some way.
They may not be able to admit it, even to themselves, but the evidence is there.
What is the universal response to abuse or pain? Take a guess. You probably know.
The abused person silently vows that they will NEVER let themselves be hurt like that again. Once this happens they, almost immediately, begin to put walls and other safeguards up to protect themselves.
His Eyes Became Ever Vigilant
Your husband learned to watch very, very carefully for the smallest sign that he might be in danger. At the first inkling of something suspicious, he found ways of jumping out of harm’s way. Avoidance, lying, even the behaviors that quickly escalated to addiction status, became ways to divert and distract him from the feelings and situations that might hurt him again.
If this started at an early age (which it usually does), he grew up not trusting the people in his life. Even if they weren’t among the ones that initially caused the hurt, his brain told him he dare not take a chance. He no longer trusted his ability to know which people are safe and which are not. So, he had no choice but to shut everyone out.
He ended up with no one he felt comfortable sharing his fears, vulnerabilities or needs with. Eventually, he gave up even trying. It was less nerve-wracking and felt safer.
He came up with his own solutions for the loneliness, shame and unmet needs in his life. Most of them weren’t all that effective. But, it was all he had. Working so hard to keep things hidden and deal with them by himself, quickly escalated into a full-blown intimacy disorder.
Fast forward to today. It’s likely he still doesn’t share his deep-down feelings or fears. He’s rarely open or vulnerable. It’s just too scary. And, even if he wanted to, he no longer remembers how.
Curse or Compliment?
Even though some of you may not be feeling like it was such a positive thing, you really should feel honored that your husband let you into his life. Prior to you his trust issues had caused his heart to be closed to real relationships. Pornography, one-night stands and surface relationships don’t carry the same risks as attempting to enter a real long-term relationship with someone you truly care about.
He saw something in you that convinced him to override his fears. You seemed safe enough and special enough to take a chance on. Do you know how huge that is for a sex addict?
He may have even hoped that your love would be enough to heal his hurts. It’s obvious, now, that it takes more than a new relationship—even a special one—to heal years of mistrust and hurt. In truth, the only path to healing is to face that pain head-on. He didn’t know that then, and it’s likely he doesn’t even completely understand it yet.
You’ve Been Hurt, Too!
The way he chose to deal (or, more accurately, not deal) with his pain, has now spilled over onto you. Some of you have slogged through years and years of betrayal, accusations and craziness. Others have wounds that are fresh and new. Either way, your husband’s actions and attitudes have hurt you in the deepest places possible.
Now it’s your turn to decide how you’re going to deal with the heavy load of hurt that you’ve been left with. Be very, very careful not to choose the same bad solution he fell into.
“Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” — Psalm 25:5
TODAY’S CHAT: What have you found to be helpful in working through the hurt and pain you have experienced? Please consider sharing your experiences below so they can help and inspire others in their quest for healing.
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