Why You Need to Forgive One Last Person

As “good Christian women” most of us strive to forgive everyone, including the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker. Sometimes it’s a struggle, but we know that it is what God would have us do.

There is one person, however, that seldom makes our Need-to-Forgive-list. Unfortunately, it is probably the single MOST important person that needs to be there.

It’s not our husband.  It’s not the pastor or friend that wasn’t very much help when we tried to reach out to them. It’s not even the porn industry or the “other” woman. They’re likely already on our list, anyway. The one we tend to forget is US!

Yep! We seldom think to forgive ourselves for our mistakes . . . for missing the signs .  . .  for not being the perfect wife . . . for being all too human” way too much of the time. It doesn’t even cross our minds to forgive ourselves for our overreactions, our sometimes acidic tongue, or our choice of men. We just let shame overwhelm us. We beat ourselves up. We may even convince ourselves that we somehow deserve whatever heartache we’re experiencing.

But, just because those thoughts sneak in, doesn’t make them true. God’s grace is totally sufficient to cover any lacks we have—whether real or perceived. Forgiveness is the tool that puts that in action.

Why is it so important to forgive ourselves?

1. WE MAY BE EXPERIENCING FALSE GUILT
When we have done something wrong, God gives a chance to wash the slate clean and start over. The heaviness of the guilt and shame we feel because of our sin, nudges us toward repentance which, in turn, allows us to begin anew. But, if we feel guilty about someone else’s actions or their misunderstanding of our words or intentions, we didn’t actually do anything that we can repent of. We have no control over the situation. The only way to rid ourselves of the false guilt we are feeling, is to give it to God and forgive ourselves for taking on a burden that was not ours to carry.

2. WE MAY NOT HAVE KNOWN ANY BETTER
American author, poet and civil rights activist, Maya Angelou was credited with saying “You did the best that you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you’ll do better.” That’s called learning. It’s through life’s lessons that we gain the information and understanding we need to make better decisions. We wouldn’t get mad at a first grader for not being able to do calculus, so why can’t we forgive ourselves for what we had not yet learned.

3. OUR NEGATIVE FEELINGS MAY NOT BE BASED ON TRUTH
Many women willingly accept the blame for the husband’s struggle. They may have been told or come to the conclusion that if they were just prettier, skinnier, sexier or “more available,” he wouldn’t need the porn or affairs. The guilt and self -condemnation this causes is based on lies. Even celebrities with drop-dead gorgeous wives frequently struggle with sexual addiction. The problem is much deeper than anything a wife is or isn’t. Freedom comes when we forgive ourselves for believing these lies.

4. WE CAN’T TRUST OURSELVES AGAIN UNTIL WE CAN FIRST FORGIVE OURSELVES
Unforgiveness keeps us stuck. When our trust of others has been broken, it often takes away our ability to trust ourselves, as well. In a weird way it’s like we are punishing ourselves for not realizing what was going on right under our nose. We may worry that if we missed something that huge, what else might we be missing? How can we ever dare trust ourselves if we hold to the belief that we are somehow responsible, stupid, clueless or crazy?

God is always ready to forgive us for our wrong thoughts and actions, but we will be unable to fully accept His forgiveness until we first make the decision to forgive ourselves.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” — 2 Corinthians 12:9

TODAY’S CHAT: What do you struggle with forgiving yourself the most? Why?