Why Am I ON this Crazy Train?

The past few weeks we’ve been talking about anxiety, fear, stress . . . and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). To see the earlier conversations start here.

It is theorized that nearly two-thirds of the wives of sex addicts are suffering with PTSD. Why are we, as a group, so prone to PTSD?

OUR WORLD IS COLLAPSING AROUND US
PTSD begins with a traumatizing event. Few things can be as life-shattering as finding out that your best friend, lover, and husband has a secret life that involves porn, affairs or other sexual compulsions that you knew little or nothing about—especially if it came out of the blue. Do you remember that day? Did you find, like I did, that every new detail that was revealed seemed to shove a knife just a little deeper into your heart? In a split second, life, as we knew it, was pulverized. I’d definitely call that traumatic, wouldn’t you?

But . . . it doesn’t end there. Other related factors significantly intensify that original trauma:

OUR “SAFE PLACE” HAS BEEN DESTROYED
We realize we don’t—maybe never did—truly know this man. The biggest question (and fear) in my mind, was “if I didn’t know about this, what else don’t I know about?” Suddenly it can feel like we’re living with a stranger. We don’t know what is real, or who or what to trust, anymore.

We’ve lost the security that a committed relationship brought us. Feelings of safety are replaced by fear about whether we and our children are safe . . . whether our husband’s actions have exposed us to disease  . . . how people will treat us if they find out . . . what our kids may have seen and heard . . . how this will affect them long term . . . whether our marriage will survive  . . . and much, much more.

We yearn to be comforted and yet, at one of the scariest times of our life, we are unable to get the solace we need from the one who vowed to be by our side from this day forward because HE is the one that is causing our pain.

WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO KEEP GOING
As wives, mothers, and very often someone’s employee, most of us don’t have the luxury of stopping and regrouping. People are counting on us.

If our husband had died, those of us employed outside the home would get bereavement leave to take care of matters and get our feet back under us. People would rally around us and provide meals and other support. But, there is no leave for this. No meals. Maybe even limited support. There is no time off from our jobs or responsibilities to grieve all the losses we are experiencing.

Few people understand the severity of what the wife of a sex addict may be experiencing. All too often the spouse’s pain is totally overlooked, or minimized as merely the symptoms of codependency.

OUR FOCUS AND ENERGY ARE COMPROMISED
Most of us find it difficult to be fully functional in the midst of this elevated level of stress, anxiety, and exhaustion. Just the trauma of the discovery, alone, can steal our ability to focus. In fact, many women report that it gets so bad that they even have difficulty reading and processing information. This, of course adds an extra layer of pressure on both the job and at home.

Throw in the physical and emotional effects of a few intense “discussions” with our wayward spouse, a run in with a well-meaning family member, or an internal battle with those haunting fears and we are completely “spent.” Our minds become mush. Our energy is gone.

If, as in the case of PTSD, these symptoms continue for a lengthy period of time, it is not unusual to begin experiencing additional physical, spiritual and social problems.

Is there any wonder that we can start feeling a bit crazy in the midst of all this? Not only does our life feel like it’s falling apart . . . but we often feel that WE are falling apart.

The good news is that God has not forgotten us. There is still hope. There are steps we can take to begin to reclaim our lives. We’ll take a look at those right after Christmas.

In the meantime, be kind to yourselves, and give yourselves permission to see and enjoy whatever you are able during this blessed Christmas season. Even if there is a cloud hanging over your house this year, remember that our Savior came to give us hope and a future!

Click here to read Part 4, How Can I Get OFF This Crazy Train?