Many of us have been told that we are codependent. It doesn’t feel very complimentary, but what does it really mean?
The truth is, unless they are in recovery, themselves, most spouses of addicts are codependent. There is something about the very nature of addiction that turns those around it into victims of the disease. Those with tender hearts and deep unmet needs are the most vulnerable.
It’s very easy for a person that loves an addict to become so consumed with their spouse’s problems that they don’t have time to take care of themselves. Codependents appear to be depended upon, but they are dependent. They look strong, but feel helpless. They determine their self-worth by how well those around them are doing.
Common Characteristics of a Codependent:
1. They struggle with balance in their lives. They are often over-committed, yet have trouble saying “no”.
2. They have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.
3. They take care of everyone but themselves.
4. They constantly feel like they’re not measuring up which results in low self-esteem.
5. They attempt to control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others.
6. They feel compelled to help other people solve their problems whether they want help or not.
7. They are willing to compromise their own values to avoid rejection.
8. They may use sex to gain approval or to keep a relationship.
9. They can appear controlling and manipulative.
10. They assign themselves the job of anticipating other people’s needs.
11. They feel guilty if someone gives to them or treats them with respect.
12. They often tolerate mistreatment from others.
Don’t get me wrong, lots of wonderfully selfless things are done by people that struggle with codependency. Unfortunately, it is at a huge cost to their own well-being. Being co-dependent is both self-destructive and exhausting. Since whatever they do won’t be enough in their eyes, it progressively erodes their self-esteem. The resulting feelings of unacceptability along with the frantic drivenness of making themselves valuable, distances them from friends and family.
To truly experience healthy relationships, the codependent needs God’s healing as much as the addict does. Just like their spouse, they must learn how to acknowledge and process their fears and feelings. Co-dependents will gain their own increasing freedom as they let God establish their value instead of trying to “earn” it by being everybody’s everything.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”—Matthew 11:29-30
TODAY’S CHAT: Which of the characteristics of codependency have you struggled with the most? What, if anything, has helped you find your true value in Christ?
Leave A Response