What Smart Fish Know That Will Save Your Sanity

In a hurry? Click here to download the pdf version to read later.

I suppose some science-minded folks would argue that there are no smart fish, but I still think we can learn from them . . . at least some of them.

MY FISH STORY

I remember many years ago, tagging along on a fishing trip with my husband and father-in-law. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and big as a barn. It was late spring and still a little nippy in the pre-dawn hours that seem to beckon fishermen everywhere, so I actually had to wear a pair of my XXL-sized father-in-law’s jeans and one of his coats over my maternity clothes to keep from freezing. I’m just grateful there were no fashion police nearby, because I was quite a sight.

We got to the lake just as the sun was coming up. We launched our boat and set out for a VERY long day of fishing. The lake was vast and beautiful and it wasn’t long until we were getting some nibbles and even pulling in a fish or two out of the sparkling water. For the first few hours, I was doing great . . . until . . . the curse of pregnancy struck. I suddenly needed to go to the bathroom— and I needed to go BAD! After a few more casts I finally convinced the men to pull into shore.

SMARTER THAN THE FISH?

I trudged a few feet into the brush to find a place to do my business, but being very “front-heavy” I found it impossible to squat without falling over. After a few failed attempts my husband finally came to my rescue and helped hold me up . . . but the men were both laughing so hard I thought THEY were the ones most likely to have an accident. They continued joking about my plight ad nauseum throughout the day.

We fished for hours and hours more, but as much as I grew to need it, I was bound and determined I wasn’t going to repeat the experience.

You can bet I was the first one out of the boat and down the road to the stinky outhouse when we got back to the boat launch site! The good news was, that in spite my “problem” and all of their fancy jigs and poppers, I totally out-fished both men!  Maybe I was smarter than the fish that day—well, at least those fish.

WHAT SMART FISH DO

The smartest ones however, are the ones that refused to take the bait. They were still swimming, because they didn’t let a flashy thing or a wriggly worm divert them from their daily life. We can take a lesson from them. If you want to survive—fully intact—you have to learn not to take the bait.

What bait, you say? I’m talking about all those things addicts say to try to divert the attention from themselves so they don’t have to admit they have a problem that has grown way bigger and stronger than they are.

It’s likely that you’re familiar with some of them:

“I don’t have a problem”  – usually followed by “you’re imaging things,”  “you’re crazy” or “I only did it a few times, because I was bored, upset, horny . . . “

“You’re just making a big deal out of nothing” – a variation of “I don’t have a problem,” that tries to insinuate that YOU are the one that has a problem (an over-reaction problem.)

“You’re not perfect either” – another variation that tries to turn the discussion to all the things YOU are doing wrong so his errant behaviors fade into the woodwork and get forgotten.

And the two that absolutely hurt the most:

“If you weren’t so  ___________ (overweight, controlling, bossy, frigid, etc.) I wouldn’t have to do this.

“If you would just ________________ (take better care of your looks, “put out” more, participate in the sexual practices I like, etc.) I wouldn’t be tempted by this.

Both of these statements seek to shift the blame for his behaviors on you. Words like these crush our spirits because, instead of making us feel special and chosen, they cause us to feel like we’re not measuring up—we are not good enough.

THEY’RE NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN

Generally our husbands are not intentionally causing us this pain. Remember, that their addiction’s primary role is to divert their attention from unresolved issues that are painful in their own lives.  They have unintentionally programmed their brain to find a way to avoid all uncomfortable feelings. These defensive and diversionary tactics are just more of the same.

If you willingly accept, or at least share, the blame for his struggle, he can avoid the intense pain that would surely come if he had to face the fact that he is addicted and needs help or that he has hurt the people he loves so deeply. He is, unknowingly, choosing a band-aid solution for a much deeper and potentially mortal wound.

BUT IT’S HURTING BOTH OF YOU

The truth is:

He isn’t likely to seek help or succeed in treatment as long as he is allowed to continue dodging his pain.

His words wouldn’t get to us if we didn’t somewhere, deep inside, believe they could be true.

His addiction is in no way our fault. He got there through the choices HE ALONE made. But, we may need to acknowledge that we have, unknowingly, helped him stay there.

Every time we “take the bait” and allow him to avoid the pain by heaping blame on us, we help him stay stuck.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO CHANGE THAT?

We can’t change him, but we can actively connect with God, friends and other supporters to help us get a clearer picture of ourselves and our amazing value to the world.

It may mean finding healing for old wounds of our own that have created a flawed self-image and a willingness to accept the blame for things that are not our fault.

Addiction, by nature, is crazy-making. It doesn’t make sense. But we don’t have to let it make US crazy if we seek to strengthen our own understanding of who we are in Christ so we no longer take the bait that the addict tempts us with. We can keep swimming through these turbulent waters without letting it suck us in.

In the long run, it’ll be better for our husband; and amazing for us.

“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless.” —Psalm 84:11

TODAY’S CHAT: What bait has been the hardest to resist? Why do you think this is? What might be the first step in increasing your resistance to this vulnerability?