SEX. To steal a well-known phrase from Facebook’s relationship description choices—IT’S COMPLICATED!
THE PROBLEM
Sex can be beautiful and natural; hot and heavy; even painful and disgusting. But . . . when one marriage partner is struggling with sexual addiction and the other is trying desperately to be a “good Christian spouse” the complication factor can go right through the roof.
We’re all too familiar with the passage in 1st Corinthians that tells us that, as a married woman, we do not have authority over our own body, we must yield it to our husband. And yet, when our whole world has been shattered by sexual addiction, the idea of having sex with this man who has repeatedly betrayed us may make us feel sick to our stomachs. How are we supposed to navigate that?
“Whoa wait a minute,” you might be saying, “I thought this blog post was supposed to be a follow-up to last week’s discussion on beliefs. Did I miss something?”
You’re right. The topic that was scheduled for this week was “Changing our Beliefs.” It’s an important topic and I promise we WILL get to it in the next few weeks, but when a very specific question about sex was posed to me recently, I realized that it was something that you might all be interested in.
THE QUESTION
The question was “Is it ever OK to withhold sex from your husband.” Of course my mind went immediately to that scripture in 1 Corinthians 7:4-5, that goes on to to say “Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
Yikes! That makes it sound like we have no choice. We have to suck it up, go through the motions, and satisfy his rights as a husband no matter what. Or do we?
I would never seek to go against scripture, but I don’t think that’s what this passage really means. I think attitude and intent are what we’re talking about here—not legalistic sex.
THE ANSWER
I believe there are times when we can, with a clear conscience, say no to sexual “intimacy” and still be honoring God and our husband. These may include:
• When you have reason to believe he is being sexually active with another person. Whether it’s a prostitute, an affair, a massage “therapist” or even a same sex encounter, you have every right to withhold sex until he has been tested for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. God did not intend sex or marriage to be a death sentence. That is not intimacy.
• When you have to sell a part of your soul; shut down; cry into your pillow or experience any other deep emotional manifestation to “get through it” That is not intimacy.
• When it leaves you feeling dirty or defiled. That is not intimacy.
• When he insists that you perform acts that go against your moral values. Sometimes you need to get out of your comfort zone, stretch and experiment with something unfamiliar that might end up being enjoyable for both of you, but, if it involves other people (threesomes, wife swapping, multiple couples, etc.) or physically dangerous practices like asphyxiation, bondage, or masochism . . . you are not obligated to go along with it just because your husband requests it. That is not intimacy.
• When you are being sexually active with another person. You don’t have the right to risk his health and well-being either. That is not intimacy.
THE BIG BUT . . .
Although it is OK to say no in situations like these, it is NOT OK to be harsh or disrespectful. If it’s not a completely mutual decision, we have an increased obligation to speak honestly about what we are feeling and, as kindly as we can, state the reason we choose not to participate at this time. It is also beneficial to offer (or better yet, discuss) possible steps that both of you can take that might potentially restore healthy marital relations over time.
These steps might include:
– diligently seeking God for help and direction (both together and alone)
– individual counseling for both of you so you can work on personal issues that may be affecting your relationship and keeping sex from being healthy and satisfying
– and later, marriage counseling to help you both learn how to be more open and honest with each other. Honesty leads to more intimacy both in the bedroom and out.
It is quite likely that your husband will be unhappy about your stance and may even try to manipulate you with scripture or threats that abstinence will only make him act out more. You do not need to feel guilty or worry about making his addiction worse. It is not your fault or your responsibility if he makes the choice to increase his acting out instead of seeking the help he needs to find true freedom.
MAINTAINING A PURE HEART
Your focus should be on making sure that your motives are pure, and that you are truly seeking a positive resolution to the unhealthiness your marriage is experiencing, whether that ultimately ends up being restoration or separation.
We are responsible to maintain a right attitude in a difficult situation. It is never OK to withhold sex with the intent . . .
. . . to punish him for the pain he and his addiction have caused you
. . . to gain power in the relationship, or manipulate him into doing things your way.
No matter what I believe God has revealed to me, or what sounds right to you, the most important thing when negotiating these difficult situations is to seek God for his wisdom and direction. What might be the right response for one person, may not fit with God’s ultimate plan for your life or your marriage.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” —Proverbs 3:5-6
TODAY’S CHAT: Hearing of other people’s experiences with God helps deepen our own faith. Do you have a story you could share of a time when you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was directing you?
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