I’ve been working with the spouses of sex addicts since 2003. Time and time again I’ve heard wives say “I’m done — I just can’t live with his behaviors a minute longer!”
I totally understand their frustration
I’ve been there myself. The first time was just weeks before Bruce and I were to be married. The plans were all made. The invitations had been sent. And my soon-to-be husband was in the process of moving some of his books, camping gear and other things he wouldn’t be needing before the wedding to my house. At one point in the chaotic day, I noticed that a piece of paper had fallen out of one of the boxes.
I was absolutely devastated when I picked it up and realized it was a receipt from an adult bookstore. The knife plunged even deeper into my heart when I noticed the date. It was just one day before we had gotten engaged.
Bruce had been very open with me about his struggle and his lengthy recovery journey. We both assumed that his sexual struggles were in the past. The tiny scrap of paper in my hand proved we were both very, very wrong.
Everything in me wanted to call the wedding off then and there. I’d failed at marriage before, followed by a string of other bad relationships. For a long time I was pretty convinced that my “man-picker” was seriously broken. This new development told me that maybe it still was.
I was scared to death of making yet another mistake.
It took God’s clear intervention to convince me to go ahead with the wedding. I didn’t know it then, but there would be more “slips” in our future and every time that same fear and those “I’m done” feelings would rise up again.
It’s a normal response when we’re feeling frustrated, exhausted or afraid. We just want the ugliness to stop—no matter what it takes.
Sometimes it IS time to be done!
Many women I have worked with have wrestled with questions like “Why am I still with him?” “What’s the matter with me that I don’t just up and leave? Don’t I have any self-respect?” They don’t realize that they may still be there because God hasn’t put it on their heart to actually go. His work in their lives and marriage may not be finished.
If we diligently seek God through this difficult time, he will direct our path. He is the only one who truly knows your husband’s heart. As you continue to seek his guidance he will, in due time, make it clear to you whether you should go or stay.
I have seen several instances where wives who had been faithfully trying, forgiving, and encouraging their unrepentant spouses for years, came to a place where they felt God was telling them “It is finished. You have done all I asked, and I release you from your marriage.”
They ultimately did end their marriage, but it wasn’t out of anger or retaliation, it was with a sad heart and a clear directive from God. God has since blessed each of these women abundantly.
I experienced this myself in my first marriage. Although my former husband’s struggle was not with sexual addiction, he decided he wasn’t happy enough He turned his back on God, the kids, and I and went out in search of a different life.
For months I prayed and talked and prayed some more, hoping to change his mind. And then, one day, I very clearly heard God say “your marriage is over.” And it was. God also promised, that day, that he would make something beautiful out of the ashes of my life. And over time He has done just that.
God always knows best
Still others have not received that release, even though their husbands’ continued failures, negative attitudes, and lack of motivation for recovery made their situations look completely hopeless. In these cases, God knew something that these women didn’t know.
Even though their friends thought they were insane, each of them stuck with it in spite of the dismal circumstances. They didn’t stay because they were afraid of a future alone, or because they were codependent. They stayed because they believed God told them to stay and, in time, they were greatly rewarded for their patience. Their husbands did turn around and their marriages are better today than any of them ever dreamed they could be.
The future can’t be seen with the human eye
One of these women had a husband that repeatedly sought relationships outside their marriage. He was angry and never accepted any fault for straying or hurting his family. His wife shared that in their entire marriage he had never apologized for anything. Ever.
Their history had convinced her that he would never be able to take responsibility, or even acknowledge the pain he had caused. It seemed utterly hopeless. She was feeling pretty DONE!
When she asked “How long do I need to put up with this?” we suggested that she seek God for an answer to that very important question.
The very next week she came back with her answer.
A very unexpected outcome
God had directed her to a story in Luke 13:6:
“Then he told this parable: A man had a fig tree, planted in his vineyard and he went to look for fruit on it, but did not find any. So he said to the man who took care of the vineyard, ‘For three years now, I’ve been coming to look for fruit on this fig tree and haven’t found any.
Cut it down! Why should it use up the soil?’
‘Sir,’ the man replied, ‘leave it alone for one more year, and I’ll dig around it and fertilize it. If it bears fruit next year, fine! If not, then cut it down.’”
Even though she wasn’t particularly happy or hopeful about it, she felt that God was asking her to wait for one more year, as he worked on their behalf. Long before that year was up, things began to change. In just a few months she actually heard her husband speak those words of apology that she was so sure she would never hear. God knew that there was hope for that marriage in spite of the outward signs and he held her feet there until it could be revealed.
Remember . . .
No one but God can tell you the right thing to do. Seek him and he will direct your path in the way that is best for everyone.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” — Jeremiah 29:11
TODAY’S CHAT: Have you heard God speak to you about this or any another topic lately? Did he tell you yes, no, or wait? Has anything happened since then that has confirmed to you that it was, indeed, the right choice, even though you weren’t sure at the time?
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If you’d like to hear more of our personal addiction story . . . you might be interested in our book Now Choose LIfe! Get more information HERE!
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