Most of us freak out just a bit when we feel out of control.
It doesn’t matter whether it’s the situations and people around us, or our own deep internal feelings that we can’t seem to manage. The very thought that we might be losing control makes us feel very anxious and unsafe.
If you live with a sex addict, life can feel out of control a lot of the time. Suddenly all the things you’ve always put your trust in are teetering precariously. Your marriage, your ability to believe your husband, your dreams, your self-esteem, your future—they’re all hanging by a thread and it feels like there’s little you can do about it. It can be extremely stressful.
YOUR BRAIN “KNOWS” WHAT TO DO
We have a system in our brain that God created to help us avoid any threats to our emotional or physical survival. It is, of course, activated by the real dangers in our lives, but it can also be triggered any time we even perceive that there might be a threat to our well-being.
When our internal “radar” senses that we could be in danger, we automatically react with a fight, flight, freeze response. You may be familiar with the fight, flight, freeze responses, but how could that apply to living with an addict?
To answer that question, let’s look a little closer at each type of reaction.
FIGHT
Triggers uncontrollable actions intended to “take down” or eliminate the threat. Physiologically, a part of the brain called the amygdala jumps into action, narrowing your focus and giving your muscles more oxygen in preparation to fight .
Signs that you might be in fight mode:
- Increased body tension (ie: knot or burning in the stomach, tightness in the neck or jaw, grinding teeth, glaring or snapping at those around you.
- Increased, unrelenting focus on “the problem”
- Intense feelings of anger or rage
- Urges to stomp, kick or punch
- Homicidal or suicidal feelings (or wishing he, or you, would die)
- Sobbing out of frustration or anger
Subtle ways you might “fight “when you’re married to a sex addict:
- Taking control of his recovery by appointing yourself his 24/7 warden
- Working harder on his recovery than he is
- Telling and retelling too many details in an attempt to get people on your “side”
- Calling him names, picking fights, or obsessively lecturing or questioning him about his behavior.
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FLIGHT
Impulsive actions to help avoid or escape the situation. In times of perceived or real danger your brain tells your adrenal glands to release Cortisol into your body. Cortisol increases both blood pressure and blood sugar to give you the blood flow to your limbs and the energy your need to escape danger. Unfortunately, cortisol also suppresses your immune system, which increases your likelihood of getting sick during stressful or anxious times.
Physical and emotional signs that you might be in flight mode:
- Physical agitation (ie: restless legs or feet, quick shallow breathing, darting eyes)
- Feeling unusually fidgety, anxious or trapped
- Intense urges to run away
Unexpected ways you may try to flee when you’re married to a sex addict:
- Excessive busyness (so you don’t have time to think or feel)
- Using obsessive television watching, reading, hobbies or work to divert your thoughts
- Finding excuses to find more time away from the house
- Rushing toward divorce (to permanently distance yourself from the situation)
- Changing the subject when anyone tries to talk to you about what’s going on.
FREEZE
Freeze describes the process of shutting down to keep from having to feel or deal with a situation. In this case, the brain region along the spine is activated which causes the body (and mind) to freeze. Like animals that go still or even fake death to make themselves less attractive to predators (and perhaps give themselves a chance to get away), the freeze response can also be an attempt to become less noticeable or buy additional time to determine the best course of action.
Hints that you might be in freeze mode:
- Feeling emotionally numb
- Giving up—feeling or acting like a helpless victim
- Minimizing (ie: trying to convince yourself “it’s no big deal”)
- Becoming increasingly depressed or sickly
- Having an unshakeable sense of impending doom
Subconscious tactics your brain may use to deny the pain of being married to a sex addict:
- Pretending like there isn’t a problem (ie: “I don’t want to ever talk or hear about this again.”)
- Clamming up – unable or unwilling to talk about it
- Physically closing off (ie: closed eyes, dulled hearing, pulling the body in tight, curling up in a ball, etc.)
EFFECTIVE . . .SOMETIMES
These reactions are imperative when we are in real danger. They help us survive—both physically and emotionally. But, when the danger isn’t real or as significant as we had believed, these auto-responses can actually be damaging to us.
- In our attempt to control the situation, we may actually LOSE control of our ability to think clearly and respond appropriately.
- We may push people away or run from them, just when we need their support the most.
- The chemicals our body releases to help us react to true danger is intended to be in small doses. When we live in a constant state of fear or anxiety because of imaginary dangers, we may “overdose” and cause damage and break-down in our bodies.
- We might even create bigger problems for ourselves. Fight can turn into legal issues if it becomes physically aggressive; severe flight or freeze reactions may cause someone to abandon a job, children, or responsibilities. Any of which can lead to a abundance of negative consequences.
HOW DO WE KEEP FROM OVER-REACTIONING?
Any time our misperceptions or fears activate a fight, flight, freeze response when we aren’t actually in danger, we will over-react. It will affect our relationships, our peace of mind and, maybe even our health.
So, how can we get control of ourselves, when things around us are feeling out of control?
1. STOP AND IDENTIFY YOUR FEARS AND FEELINGS. ASK YOURSELF:
• What is the worst thing I’m afraid will happen in this situation?
• Based on the FACTS (not feelings) that I know, how likely is that to happen?
• If I don’t know the absolute facts, where could I go to find out what they are?
• What trustworthy person could I go to to clarify my assumptions about this situation?
2. LEARN HOW TO CALM YOURSELF TO REDUCE STRESS HORMONE LEVELS IN YOUR SYSTEM
• BREATHE – Taking deep breaths, holding them to the count of five and then letting them out very slowly until you feel more relaxed has been shown to actually cool down our brain by several degrees AND put more oxygen in our system. Both of these help us to think and act more clearly.
• LAUGH – Whether real or fake, laughter has been shown to be one of the only things that can actually reduce the stress hormone levels in our system. If you frequently feel stress and anxiety, learn to take time to for some therapeutic laughter.
• WALK – the rhythmic right, left movement of walking helps our brains to function better and more completely process difficult problems.
• SING or LISTEN TO MUSIC – music soothes the savage beast (even if that savage beast is a brain full of fear). Listening or singing praise songs can add yet another positive component—gratitude—that helps us see things clearer and realize we’re not alone in this.
• JOURNALING – Getting thoughts and concerns out on paper can be very freeing —especially if, after they are written down, you “cast your cares” on the Lord by surrendering your fears and frustrations to Him.
3. ASK FOR HELP FROM A TRUSTED CONFIDANTE OR TRAINED PROFESSIONAL
Sometimes we just plain get stuck and can’t see beyond our current paradigm. There is no shame in realizing this and seeking an outsider to help you sort things out. God puts people in our lives to encourage and support us. When we insist on “doing it ourselves” we may actually be refusing a very special gift God has provided just for us to help us through our difficult times.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” — John 14:27
TODAY’S CHAT: What have you found to be the most helpful way to calm yourself when your automatic responses are due to perceptions and fears and not real danger? If you haven’t yet found a satisfactory way, which of the suggestions that have been offered are you thinking about experimenting with?
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