If the important people in our past discounted our emotions or insisted that we shouldn’t be feeling them, we may have begun to doubt ourselves and our feelings. Many of us learned to suppress the emotions we were told were unacceptable.
The Problem
Even though we may have been successful in shoving them out of our awareness, they didn’t really go away. Every time we choose to “stuff” something, it seriously compromises our immune system and begins to cause problems in our body.
Emotions provide important pieces of information that God makes available to us. Becoming re-connected with our feelings is essential for our emotional, mental and physical well being. If we can’t identify our feelings it’s nearly impossible to properly resolve them. Missing or inaccurately identified feelings also wreak havoc in our relationships by seriously curtailing our ability to feel empathy and true intimacy.
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional intelligence is a term used to describe the ability to recognize, identify and express what we are feeling. According to the authors of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, only 36% of people can accurately identify their emotions at the time they are happening.
That means almost two-thirds of us struggle with acknowledging and communicating our true feelings. We can get better at it, however. Honing these few key skills can dramatically increase our emotional intelligence:
1. RECOGNIZING THE LIKELIHOOD OF
A SUPPRESSED EMOTION
Internal Awareness –
Interestingly enough, our physical bodies can provide some of the most reliable clues of something that needs our attention. If a memory or situation causes noticeable changes in your heart rate, body temperature, or breathing patterns or if you suddenly find yourself trembling, perspiring, or experiencing tension or tightness in your hands, neck, chest or stomach, it can be a clear indicator that there are feelings that are being avoided.
External Behavior –
Women have a tendency to soothe anxiety and anger with food. The next time you grab that bag of chips or handful of cookies, stop and ask yourself a few questions:
• Why am I doing this? Am I really hungry or is it something else?
• What am I feeling or trying not to feel?
• Why do I think I deserve this?
Emotionally immature people attempt to appear tough by just gritting their teeth and pushing through difficulties. They don’t allow themselves to feel or process things.
2. IDENTIFYING THE TRUE EMOTION
Name the underlying emotion. Although not infallible, many people find:
ANGER most often shows up in your upper body, head, and arms and has an outward focus.
FEAR is generally felt in the stomach or chest.
SADNESS often seems centered in your chest and eyes and has an inward focus.
It may be somewhat different for you, but reflecting on these common symptoms may help you begin to notice how YOU, personally, experience these three emotions. This understanding, alone, can greatly increase your emotional intelligence.
3. EXPRESSING WHAT YOU ARE FEELING
Share both the sensation and the underlying emotion with someone who is close to you. Putting the feelings into words will help both of you understand you better and has the potential to deepen your relationship.
Follow this by asking for what you need right now to address the source of the feeling. For instance, if you’re sad you might need a hug. If you’re angry you might just need the opportunity to vent and be heard. If you’re feeling fear, you might need reassurance or someone to pray with you. Start out by saying “What I really need right now is . . . .”
Join us next week as we look at “Six Tell-tale Signs that your Emotional Intelligence is Increasing.”
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” — John 8:32
TODAY’S CHAT: Which of the three Emotional Intelligence building skills is the hardest for you, personally? What do you think makes it so difficult?
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