Have you ever wished that life could just go back to the way it was before you learned about your husband’s struggle? Are you worried that his shameful behaviors have indelibly marked you somehow? Maybe you’re finding it hard to believe that you will ever be able to fully regain the clean heart, serenity and joy that once were yours?
Sexual addiction—or any addiction—casts a dark cloud over everyone it touches. It steals our innocence and robs us of our dreams. That’s true for both the struggler and the spouse.
The difference is—and it’s a big one—HIS choices brought this on, not ours. It’s hard not to be angry about that.
IT’S OUR TURN!
We can’t change the choices and situations that brought us to this point, but the future is in our hands. Do we want to feel slimed for the rest of our lives? Or do we want to take back what has been ripped from our grip?
Our first and biggest challenge is to maintain a pure and God-pleasing attitude in spite of our pain and anger. Whether intentional or not, our husbands made some really bad choices. It doesn’t give us license to do the same thing. We are responsible for our own heart and our own actions.
A good place to start is to meditate on the prayer in Psalm 51: 10-13.
“Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
So that sinners will turn back to you.”
This is the heart’s cry of those who want to take back what they lost. These few short lines encapsulate so much of what we miss—a clean heart, a right spirit, the serenity and comfort that only comes from being in the presence of God and the joy that we thought was gone forever.
BUT LOOK! THERE’S EVEN MORE!
This passage goes on to say our fight to reclaim a clean heart has the potential of drawing those who have unintentionally wandered from the center of God’s will back to that amazing place of provision, protection and peace.
What we choose to do because it’s the best thing for us, may actually affect those around us—maybe even our husband— in an exciting and positive way.
Addiction always causes widespread pain. There’s no arguing that. But, it’s important to remember that as much as it may seem like it, your husband never set out to hurt you. His choices were a desperate and vain attempt to get rid of the hurt that was already festering inside of him.
IT’S UNIVERSAL
Like so much of Psalms, David wrote Chapter 51. The ironic thing is that these particular verses were a portion of his repentance prayer to God after he committed adultery with Bathsheba. This sinner’s heart wanted exactly the same things that we want—a clean heart; a solid relationship with God; and authentic joy.
God created all of us—even your husband—with these same desires. The ways we found to cope with the struggles of life have often kept us from having to admit these needs to ourselves or to others.
As long as we are able to hold on to our blaming, denial and anger, we can convince ourselves that we are in the right place. But, in the depths of our hearts, we know we’re not where God wants us to be. He wants us to give up our stoic self-protection and open ourselves up to Him. David acknowledges his understanding of this later in the chapter when he writes:
“Open my lips, Lord,
and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
TODAY’S CHAT: What are YOU doing (or planning to do) to help restore and maintain a clean heart in the midst of all the collateral damage caused by your husband’s addiction? Your ideas may encourage other readers—so please consider sharing them in the comment area below.
HAVE YOU GOTTEN YOUR COPY? . . .
Today’s post speaks to one of the objectives in the 2nd checkpoint, on The Fast Track to Healing Trust and True Intimacy. If you don’t yet have this map showing the 5 proven steps to healing for spouses, you can get it here:
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