Does Your Heart Cry Out to be “Enough?”

One of the most heart-wrenching parts of being the wife of a sex addict is that haunting voice inside your head that accuses you of not being “enough” for him. It taunts you with thoughts that if you were somehow better—prettier, thinner, sexier—your husband wouldn’t have to be ogling every woman he sees. He wouldn’t need to seek out sexual content through the internet, magazine or videos, or fantasize about gorgeous large breasted women who appear to have little to do in life but be everyone’s sex toy.

It’s easy to believe that his behaviors are boldly proclaiming “YOU are not enough!”

THE QUESTIONS OF THE HEART

I vividly remember how awful those thoughts felt when my husband was still acting out. They were like a knife in my heart. What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t he attracted to ME?

I truly longed to be everything he wanted—everything he needed. I worked hard to achieve that, and yet, it never seemed to be enough. Even after I knew the facts about sexual addiction and should have been able to shake off those feelings , they would still hit me like a ton of bricks. They were even stronger than all the truth I knew.

My cognitive brain was well aware that sexual addiction wasn’t really about sex. I knew that his struggle had nothing to do with me, personally—it had started long before I met him. I knew it was an addiction and it had gotten control of his life.

Yes, I knew it all, but, yet, my woman’s heart, that yearned to chosen and irreplaceable, was still crushed. It’s difficult to even explain how badly it hurt.

DO YOU KNOW?

I am so sad that, odds are, you DO know exactly what I’m talking about. Those same thoughts and feelings may be pummeling you and destroying your self-esteem. How can we come against these thoughts and emotions that have the potential to change us at our core?

There is no magic answer. I’m reasonably convinced that if, heaven forbid, my husband was ever to have another relapse, those same feelings could likely visit me again. I’m not sure if it’s just human nature to question ourselves and our value when we feel rejected or if  the thoughts are something more sinister—the whispers of the enemy trying to bring us down, but I don’t remember a single slip my husband had that didn’t reawaken those old feelings in me.

I do know, however that there are three things that seem to help us be less vulnerable to their sting.

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF

1. Learn the truth about sexual addiction. Even though all the knowledge I had wasn’t able to stop those bad feelings from coming, they did help me get rid of them before they had a chance to change who I was. In times of temptation Jesus came against the enemy’s lies with truth. We can do the same.
2. Acknowledge that this is an automatic and universal reaction to betrayal. It’s not unique to you or me. Most women experience it. Even knock-down gorgeous movie stars that are stick thin and perfectly toned feel the same pain and wonder the same things. Certainly they’re enough! And so are we, no matter what imperfections we believe we have or what blame our husband tries to pin on us. God said we were fearfully and wonderfully made . . . in His image. Wow! If that isn’t “enough”, what is?
3. Try to remember that the crux of the problem is not you. When your husband began using pornography or affairs to escape the hard things in life, it actually started resetting his arousal template. He has increasingly become unable to be aroused or attracted in a normal healthy way. Something inside of HIM has changed. He is broken. That’s about him. Not you.

AND ABOVE ALL

Continually bring this ugly burden before God. Surrender it to Him. He is the only one that can restore your husband to normalcy and He’s the only one that can take the truth that you have learned and embed it in your heart so it can restore your peace and confidence.

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” —Psalm 139:13-14

TODAY’S CHAT: What ways have you successfully been able to come against the painful feelings of not being enough?