One of the biggest challenges we face, as wives, is figuring out what our role should be in our husband’s recovery. What is healthy? What is helpful? What are our choices?
• We could delegate the job of “fixing” our husband to someone else
• We could take a hands off approach and wait for him to deal with it (it IS his problem after all)
• We could put ourselves in charge of his recovery
• We could walk the tightrope of being supportive, while still setting firm limits
• We could put our head in the sand and pretend like the problem doesn’t even exist
• We could quit making such a big deal about it and just join him in his activities
Nearly all of these choices will leave us angry and frustrated. Some will steal time from our children and friends and may even encourage our husband to slip deeper into his addiction.
Only ONE option brings hope
The only role we can take that can benefit everyone that has been affected, is the one that is the most challenging to maintain. Finding the delicate balance of being supportive, while establishing very clear boundaries and expectations, is the harder choice to pursue, but it is also the one that will help us feel empowered and hopeful. The only way we can successfully do it, though, is to actively draw closer to God and others to give us the direction and encouragement we need for this, often lengthy, journey.
The motivation HE needs
There is a very real push and pull in recovery. Compulsive behaviors get so mixed in with the addict’s feeling of “OK-ness”, that it is very rare for them to voluntarily decide to rid these activities from their lives just to be a better person. People seldom seek healing until the consequences of continuing on the path they are on appear greater and more daunting than their fear of doing life without the behavior that their subconscious brain believes helps them get through the hard things of life. They need to be firmly, but lovingly, pushed.
All but a handful of our clients have come to us because their wife, girlfriend or place of employment has drawn a line in the sand. Their loved one has made it clear that their behaviors are not OK and if they continue with them there will be definite consequences. Sometimes the impending threat is losing the job where they were caught looking at porn; other times it is being separated from wife and children; or even having their public reputation destroyed.
Once in recovery the addict begins to get little tastes of what freedom looks and feels like and the these glimpses of a better life begin to pull them toward deeper healing.
We had one client that went through our 20-week recovery group THREE times. He said the first time his wife gave the ultimatum that he had to come. He somewhat unwillingly participated in the group. The second time she dropped him off at the door and encouraged him to keep at it and he dove in deeper, and the third time he came because he wanted even more. That’s the way it works. Consequences push them toward recovery, and the benefits of recovery pull them toward freedom.
But . . . there always seems to be a but, doesn’t there?. . .Even after he catches sight of the pull of recovery, it’s likely that your husband will experience a few periods where he’s just not as enthusiastic as he once was. Recovery is hard and often discouraging work. It’s easy for him to become exhausted or begin to wonder whether he even has what it takes to see this through. He may at times, even feel like giving up. Loving “nudging” can give him the boost he needs to keep on plugging.
So . . . although you’re not really your husband’s keeper, you CAN play a pivotal role in his recovery. Whether he knows it or not, he needs you to gently push him (even though he won’t like it at the time) AND he needs you to encourage him in facing one of the most difficult life-changes he will ever have to make.
The men we know that have had the most (and quickest) success in finding authentic freedom are the ones who have people in their lives—usually their wives—that have learned how to nudge without nagging and encourage without enabling.
You’re SO much more important in his recovery than you would ever dream.
Don’t get overwhelmed
Please don’t let this idea become a heavy emotional burden or yet another item on your already brimming to-do list. Just keep it in the back of your mind. Let it percolate a bit and ask God to show you what that would look like in your situation. Rest assured, we’ll be talking a lot more here about the “hows” in the weeks and months to come.
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. — Hebrews 10:24
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