What if men can’t help themselves? What if doing porn or having affairs are just part of the male make-up?
We’ve probably all heard some variation of this rationale. It might have been something like “boys will be boys,” “men have a higher sex drive,” or “men need variety—they get bored in monogamous relationships.” Maybe we were even told that we should stop making such a big deal about our husband’s behaviors, because “every man does it.”
Is it true? When we ask a man—our man—to be faithful to us alone, are we asking for the impossible? There are even some “experts” that try to tell us that that’s not the way men are wired.
It’s true that each gender’s approach to sexuality is very different. It’s widely acknowledged that men are very visual creatures. They are significantly attracted, and affected sexually, by what they see. But God didn’t just leave men out on a limb destined for a life of lust and sin. In His commitment to completeness, He also instilled a deep longing in the heart of women to be seen and desired.
In the context of an ideal world, this dynamic works perfectly. The natural yearning of a woman to be desirable attracts the attention of a man. His visual drivenness spurs him to pursue her and in the ensuing monogamous relationship that God intended, the play between the desirer and the desired works together to build a strong, unbreakable union.
God instilled these intense desires in us to serve two purposes. The first is to insure the continuance of the human race through procreation; the other is to bind husband and wife together. Studies have shown that when a person is involved sexually with another person, neuro-chemical changes occur in both their brains that encourage limbic, emotional bonding. In Christian settings we call this the “one flesh union”.
Unfortunately, since these natural drives are so intense, the enemy sees them as the perfect vehicle to bring about pain and confusion. Any time he successfully tempts us with sexual activity outside the marriage, we bond with that person and, in effect, splinter off a piece of ourselves. Brain scans have shown that even orgasm while using pornography or fantasy, effects the activity in our brains and bonds us to those images by searing them into our memory.
Centuries of sinful sexual behavior have created a society that no longer understands these natural tendencies as a way to bond with our mates. We have turned them outward. Men use their visual natures as an excuse to lust; women become more proactive to fill their yearning to be desired. Sex has become a distorted way to self gratify and feel valuable. And. . . since uncommitted sex never satisfies . . .we’ve gotten increasingly desperate in our sexual pursuits.
All of the popular beliefs and statements that we hear about the “needs” of men (or women) are merely attempts to rationalize and excuse the selfish quest for excitement and satiation of our deep desires.
The saddest part is that when we—man or woman— choose to venture outside of God’s plan for our sexuality, we will always end up feeling empty. More or different activity doesn’t bring us satisfaction. It may provide a momentary excitement, but only a deep and committed connection with our spouse will ever really fill our souls.
“For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”— Mark 10:7-9
TODAY’S CHAT: Have you encountered people that have been critical of your expectation of faithfulness from your husband? What were you told and how did it make you feel?
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