How should a “good Christian woman” act when her life is falling apart and her loved one’s behavior makes her sick to her stomach? All too often, because of bad advice or their own confusion, wives take on roles in their life or marriage that actually make things worse—for their spouse, and especially for them.
My own experiences and my observations of others have convinced me that there are at least three roles we never want to accept:
1. A VICTIM – In one sense you are already a victim since you didn’t choose or agree to any of this, but that, in no way, means that you have to let it become a permanent status.
When we feel hopeless about a situation or shaky about our ability to deal with it, we are particularly vulnerable to just giving up and letting life happen to us. It’s easy to let a heavy blanket of anger, frustration and the sheer injustice of it all settle over us and smother any glimmers of hope that still remain. It’s a dismal existence, but I have seen women who, for whatever reason have succumbed to it .
I can say with certainty that that is not God’s plan for your life. I remember feeling like my life was ruined. I remember wondering if I was somehow being punished. I remember thinking that there was no way to ever have a “good life” again. Although my life has taken twists and turns I never expected, I have learned that there IS abundant life after betrayal.
To be a good Christian wife you do not need to be a door mat, just standing by, tolerating behaviors that are harmful to you and your marriage. It’s important to remember that you still have choices. You still have a life. You still have a God that loves you and wants to restore what the locusts of sex addiction have taken from you. The key to deselecting the victim role, is to concentrate on getting closer to God and the supportive people in your life. They are the ones that can help you find and walk the road that takes you from victim to victory.
2. A CO-ADDICT – For those not familiar with the term, co-addiction is a dysfunctional “helping” relationship where one person supports or enables another person’s addiction, immaturity, irresponsibility or underachievement. In some ways it is similar to co-dependency. It comes in many “flavors,” but the underlying objective is always the same—to somehow control a situation that feels very out of control.
In the case of sexual addiction, being a co-addict often means taking on unnatural roles that God never meant for us to wear—detective, warden, caretaker or educator, sex toy, accomplice or punisher—in a desperate attempt to make our situation feel more manageable. In essence, we use taking charge or taking care of the addict as a way to try to restore our sense of safety and security.
When we ignore our own needs and feelings to focus so completely on someone else, we begin to lose the sense of who we are. Our self-esteem plummets and we become increasingly unable to achieve true intimacy or satisfaction even in our closest relationships.
To download an illustrated pdf about roles, click on the link below:
3. LONER – Becoming isolated is a common and dangerous consequence of unhealthy roles. Our secrets, shame and fear all cause us to draw away from those who might actually help us find our way. Deep down we believe we have to act or respond in a certain way to keep from being rejected. When we feel that we have fallen short of those standards it is a natural impulse to begin distancing from others before they can distance from us.
God created us to function best in communion with both him and other safe people. As scary as it can be at times, we need God and others to guide us, encourage us and help us keep plodding when things get tough. It is only with the support of others that we can become confident enough to risk being ourselves without hiding behind masks or roles. It is in this place of personal integrity that we will ultimately find true satisfaction, no matter what happens with our husband or our marriage.
Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well. It gave me great joy when some believers came and testified about your faithfulness to the truth, telling how you continue to walk in it. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. — 3 John 1:2-4
TODAY’S CHAT: What roles have you previously tried to adopt? Did you find them to be more helpful or harmful in moving toward your objectives? Why?
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