Grateful?
How in the world could you ever be grateful for what has likely been one of the most difficult challenges of your life? In fact, why would anyone on this planet even consider saying thank you for something that has caused them so much pain, embarrassment and heartache?
It’s an insane thought
. . . or is it?
An Odd Introduction
Early in my husband, Bruce’s, counseling career, one of his jobs at the inpatient treatment center he worked at was to take a group of people to a weekly AA meeting.
At one of those meetings an “old-timer” stood up and introduced himself as a “grateful recovering alcoholic.” He proceeded to tell the group how all the junk and pain in his past had forced him to look at himself, challenge his beliefs, and find a new way of living. He went on to say that he now knows and feels good about himself in a way he probably never would have if he hadn’t experienced the dark times.
At the time Bruce was in the midst of his own recovery journey. His struggle wasn’t with alcohol, but he said he felt like he was climbing out of the same dark pit this man described. He certainly understood the struggle, but he had a difficult time grasping the grateful part. How could he, or that old guy, ever be grateful for the torment that had, for so long, ruled their lives?
Many years later, when Bruce had finally reached a hard-fought place of freedom, the man’s words came back to him. But, at this point, he had a new understanding of what the old-timer had been trying to say. Through all the ups and down, he too had become grateful for his struggles. He realized they were the very thing that had brought him to freedom, satisfaction and, most of all, peace within himself.
OK, But How Does that Relate to Us?
When you think about it, it starts to make sense for those who have been desperately trapped in an addiction of any kind. Sweet freedom is certainly something to be grateful for. But, how does it pertain to us—their wounded wives, girlfriends and traumatized ex’s?
If you and I had the opportunity to sit down together and discuss it, I’m sure we could come up with many, many blessings that have come out of this rugged journey. Three things, however, instantly come to my mind:
1. A Slowing of Your Husband’s Escalation
Addiction is a progressive disease. Left unchecked it will continually require more or riskier behaviors to obtain the same effect. Even if your husband is still struggling or slipping back into old behaviors from time to time, any movement toward recovery slows that escalation process.
There are many behaviors, especially as the grip of the addiction tightens, that have very profound legal, spiritual and even physical consequences. God is the only one who truly knows what this slow-down (no matter how small) has saved you and your husband from experiencing. It’s easy to get so focused on how far there is to go, that we don’t realize all the blessings and protection we have already received.
2. A Stronger Relationship with Our Heavenly Father
Most wives and mother’s are notorious for “doing what needs to be done.” They give little thought to their own needs or well-being. Children’s needs don’t disappear because we’re tired or sick, or frazzled. So, we learn to put ourselves on the back burner and just barrel through. Unfortunately, we can get so use to running on our own power, that we often forget to invite God to walk with us.
When we are thrust into a situation that is as multi-faceted and overwhelming as the betrayal of our husband, we instinctively know that we can’t get through this alone. In our desperation we cry out to our Heavenly Father for direction, for wisdom and, on the roughest days, for the courage to just get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other.
In the rawness of our pain, we are more likely to seek solace and understanding from the only one we can trust with our deepest hurts, fears and shame. As we begin to let down our guard and give Him more access to our heart and mind, we realize that our trust and dependence on the living God is deepening day by day. It is there that we find the peace that surpasses all understanding. We can actually experience calm and hope in spite of the turmoil around us.
3. Healing of our Own Wounds
Humans quickly become experts at ignoring and stuffing the pain in their lives. If you’re like most people, you’ve been doing this your entire life. You’ve pushed your fears, broken dreams and painful memories out of your mind. And, most of the time, it probably worked pretty good.
But, when the rug that you’ve been standing on is pulled out from under you, as it was when you found out about your husband’s sexual addiction, you not only receive new wounds, but many of the old ones that have been so carefully tucked away fall out of the closet of your heart. As the scabs on those old pain points are knocked off, it is easy to become an oozing, festering mess, emotionally
This can often be the catalyst for deep healing in our lives. Our wounds don’t fully go away until they’ve been acknowledged and resolved. I know that the painful emotions that were both created and reawakened by my husband’s slips are what pushed me to work through and get beyond many of my past hurts.
Although I, like everyone else, still have more work to do, I’m so grateful for the freedom I’ve found from many of the crippling beliefs and haunting memories that kept me from being the person God created me to be.
Open Eyes See Many Blessings!
Be encouraged that, even in our roughest days, God has promised that he has a plan for us, and it is good! He did not purposefully bring these problems into our lives. They came out of the very human choices that were made. God never fails, however, to turn our most challenging circumstances into times of growth and blessings. Look for them. They are there!
“And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” —Romans 5:2b-5
TODAY’S CHAT: What did I miss? What has come out of your husband’s struggles that you are most grateful for? Please share in the comments below so we can rejoice with you.
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