Living with an angry man can feel a lot like tiptoeing through landmines. You’re well aware that the danger is there, but you just never know when a wrong step will cause your world to blow up in your face. It’s nerve-wracking!
Why is He So Full of Anger?
It’s very common for an active addict to display an unusual amount of anger. There is so much for him to be furious about:
- he may be mad at himself for not being able to beat this addiction
- mad at God for not saving him from its destruction
- mad at society for becoming ever more blatantly sexual
- mad at the sex trade for continually tempting him.
It not unusual for his anger to escalate even more in early recovery as he begins to understand that his coping mechanism—the thing that has helped him feel “safe”—is being challenged. Even though it is destroying his life, the thought of living without it can seem overwhelmingly dangerous and scary.
When any of us—addict or not—feel threatened, unsafe, or scared it is natural to respond with an automatic fight, flight or freeze reaction. If your husband is normally a fighter, his anger may be stronger or more visually evident than it would be for those who historically run away from their problems, or those who tend to hunker down, numb out, or veg out to avoid feeling the full onslaught of their internal fear or pain.
Anger Has Long Been Considered a “Manly” Emotion
Men, for the most part, are much more likely to demonstrate visible anger than women. This is due, in part, to societal conditioning. Many of these guys grew up in a world that insisted that real men are always tough.
They may have been raised with a steady stream of messages like “boys don’t cry,” “there’s something wrong with a man that is too emotional” or “don’t be a wuss.” Anger has, somehow, risen up to be the one “acceptable” emotion for men. It makes them look and feel strong and in control, even when they are feeling anything but that, deep inside.
The Many Faces of Anger
Because of its uncanny ability to hide our true feelings from those around us, anger is often called a secondary emotion. It effectively keeps people from being aware of the anxiety, shame, sadness, fear, frustration, guilt, disappointment, worry, embarrassment, jealousy or hurt that is really in their hearts.
These underlying primary emotions feel very vulnerable, especially for a man. Covering them with a curtain of anger feels much safer and by our society’s standards, more “manly.” Some more volatile forms of anger actually encourage people to back away from us, further insuring that no one will get close enough to discover our real emotions.
It is important to realize, however, that not all anger is obvious and explosive. Perfectionism, workaholism and people-pleasing all have their roots in a “yeah, I’ll show you” fighting mentality. Sarcasm, back-biting and blaming are also expressions of anger.
Even guilt, depression and resentment are often the by-product of anger:
- Guilt is nothing more than anger at ourselves for what we did or didn’t do.
- Depression can often find its source in anger that has been turned inward.
- Resentment, on the other hand, is a thinly veiled anger about what others did or didn’t do.
Recovery Dilutes and Eventually Eliminates the Anger
Take heart that, no matter what form your husband’s anger takes, it will slowly dissipate through the recovery process as he begins to acknowledge and resolve the old issues that created the anger in the first place. It is not his personality that lashes out . . . it is his brokenness. This is NOT the way God made him. It is just another way he has learned to cope with the things in his life that are yet unresolved.
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. — James 1:19-21
TODAY’S CHAT: It’s hard to not to internalize our husband’s angry words. Have you found any ways to keep his accusations and blame from eating you up inside? If so, please share them in the comment box below. Your strategies may help and encourage other women who are living with angry addicts.
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