As wives, shouldn’t we have the right to hear all the details about what our husbands have done in their sexual addiction?
Maaaaybeeeee . . . but there is something much more important to consider here than rights. You need to determine if it is the best thing for YOU!
It is important for you to know enough about your husband’s sexual activities that you can protect yourself from AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, if his behaviors are putting you in jeopardy. Just be cautious about how many additional details you ask for. You will have to live with the information you receive.
So many women I have talked to over the years have expressed regret about having insisted on hearing all the gory details of what happened. They say it is very difficult to get those images out of their minds. Many felt that the things they had learned actually got in the way of their own healing and made true reconciliation with their spouse much more challenging.
I’m not suggesting that it’s OK for your husband to simply cover over what he’s done and “get away with it.” You will not be able to move on and fully forgive your husband until you have been able to process the pain and feelings of betrayal his addiction has caused you. A very important part of this includes having the opportunity to ask questions and receive truthful answers.
It is important that the two of you work toward being able to talk sincerely about what has happened and how it has affected you, your marriage and your family. Although it can be very difficult for him to hear and acknowledge how much his actions have hurt the people he cares most about, it is a crucial and significant step in the rebuilding process. You need to know that he “gets it” and is committed to working on his recovery until he finds true freedom and the trust between the two of you has been re-established—no matter how long it takes.
It’s important to remember that talking about how his choices are affecting you is not the same as talking about what he has seen, fantasized about, or participated in. It’s not going to help you to know if the women he has been thinking about, or acting out with, are skinnier, more endowed, or “sexier” than you. It doesn’t matter what position or technique he tried or learned. Knowing exactly what your husband did or dreamed of doing with someone else won’t help build a healthy intimacy in your marriage. There is nothing to be gained from knowing those details but more pain.
You deserve more than that! Guard your heart.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. ” — Proverbs 4:23
TODAY’S CHAT: Most of us have probably, at one time or another, asked questions or “played detective” and found out things we wished we hadn’t about ourselves or others. Share any ways you have found to live with, or let go of, that kind of haunting information.
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