Living with a recovering addict is challenging in many ways, but probably the hardest thing of all is having to face another relapse. I have talked with many wives immediately following their husband’s return to old behaviors. The vast majority of them have uttered the same heart-wrenching words, “all is lost, we’re back at square one, nothing has changed.” But, the truth is all is NOT lost, you’re NOT back at square one, and, even though the outcome feels the same, so very much has actually changed.
Your husband is NOT the same man that he was when he started his recovery journey. He likely still struggles with the same issues, but inside things have been changing! Not believing it?
Let’s take a look at it from a different angle.
MY STORY
From the time I was very young I have been prone to weight gain. Call it genetics, call it a sluggish metabolism, call it a family with way too many good cooks. However you label it, all I know is that it’s very frustrating. I can eat half of what everyone else in the room eats and still very often gain a pound or two.
Three or four times over my life, I have decided that I was going to conquer this for once and for all. I’ve joined a weight loss program or a “fat-reducing” Bible-based study and given it my all. Almost without exception these efforts have been quite successful. One time I lost 75 pounds and several times 45-50. Each time I felt fantastic! I vowed I would never go back to where I had been before. AND I MEANT IT!
BUT THEN . . .
Life happened. For whatever reason, things got crazy. I’d grab some “easier” food with the promise I’d do better tomorrow (and sometimes I did.) But, a few days later, inevitably things would get even more stressful. I didn’t think I had time to stop and cook healthier dishes or exercise, even though I knew those were the things that helped me lose multiple sizes. It didn’t take long to put back on 5 pounds, then ten. I started panicking. I felt ashamed. But, the bad feelings and added stress created the perfect storm to add even more pounds. One by one my new “skinny” clothes went into the box in the closet. They just didn’t fit any more.
Eventually, through a series of these episodes, I would gain all the weight back (and often a little bit more). Did that mean nothing had changed?
NO! I am still completely committed to learning how to get the pounds off and keep them off . . . in spite of the crazy life and sucky metabolism. Every attempt—and every failure—has taught me just a little bit more. I’m learning which foods are dangerous for me. I’ve discovered moods and situations that seem to work against me. I’ve become aware of the things I tell myself that keep me from stopping the weight gain at 5 pounds instead of 25 or 30. My failures have forced me to look at my vulnerabilities and search for solutions for the things that keep me from reaching my goals.
Outsiders could look at my yo-yo weight and say “nothing’s changed,” but that is far from the truth. Each new lesson is bringing me one step closer to conquering the problem for good. Previous insights are not lost, I just need a few more to be able to see the whole picture.
HOW THIS APPLIES TO ADDICTION
It’s like that for addicts, as well. There are alcoholics and drug addicts that have been to inpatient treatment five, six, even ten times, before they were able to gather all the tools and knowledge they needed to end their addiction for good. In spite of what others might think, not a single one of their relapses was a waste.
I saw this same concept play out in my husband’s recovery. There were a number of years, early in our marriage, that he would be doing well for months and then, seemingly out of the blue, would have a slip. Just when it was starting to feel like we could relax a little we would be thrust into what appeared to starting over. But, it wasn’t starting over.
Revisiting pornography could not take away three things:
• The knowledge and understanding my husband had gained from his previous failures
• The healing that God had already done in his heart and life
• His desire and commitment to finding freedom
Winners are not people who never fail, but people who never give up.
I can’t tell you why it comes easier for some than others. I do know, however, that the ones that fall, get back up and quickly re-enlist in their quest to find the answers they need, end up much stronger— and more compassionate for other people that are struggling with difficult issues—than those who have never fallen.
All is not lost. It can certainly feel like it but, as hard as it can be, resist the enemy’s lies that will make the relapse even scarier and harder for you. In spite of how it looks, your husband’s gains are not lost. Encourage him to keep pushing to find the rest of the answers he needs to realize his goal. Remind him, that perseverance will bring the freedom and life you both desire.
But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded. — Chronicles 15:7
TODAY’S CHAT: What have been the most challenging aspects of your husband’s past slips for you?
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